


Reasons Why

by TotallyTinkerbell



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Established Relationship, Even Bech Næsheim is Extra, Isak believes in infinities, M/M, lovesick puppies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 13:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13952268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallyTinkerbell/pseuds/TotallyTinkerbell





	Reasons Why

Even has this green notebook, that Isak has noticed him carrying around for the past 10 months that they’ve been together. Isak knows Even draws in it, and he has even seen some drawings. Drawings of him, that Even apparently made while they weren’t together yet. And Isak was flattered.

What Isak didn’t know, and what might surprise him more than seeing the drawings, it that Even also has a list in there. It’s several pages long now, and Even keeps adding to it every single day, every single time Isak does something that makes him fall in love all over.

Which is truly ridiculous. They have now been together throughout all 4 seasons, they have celebrated birthdays and holidays. To Even, Isak had started to feel like home quickly, and then he became home when they moved in together. They’ve had domestic fights and they’ve had smutty make-up sex for it, but it still wasn’t all. Even kept finding more things he loved about being with Isak.

And in the darkest of his days, when he had kissed a boy for the first time and he was told he was going to hell. When he isolated himself from his friends, allowing the darkness of his illness to take over his entire life, he had also made a list. He had made a list about reasons why Even would be better off not existing in the lives of the people around him.

He had known that his parents wanted a second child, but they didn’t when Even’s early childhood was so difficult, his initial diagnosis being ADHD. His parents could have a bunch of children. Even’s siblings wouldn’t have been sick, like him. At 16, Even had convinced himself that his mental illness was a burden on his parents. And his girlfriend. So the second point of his list was that Sonja would be able to date someone else.

Someone who wouldn’t go dark for days on end, not replying to any texts or calls. She deserved someone better, Even convinced himself in the darkest of his days. Maybe Erik, a guy that Even knew liked Sonja. So Even had written ‘Sonja could date Erik’ on his list, and he was convinced his girlfriend didn’t need him.

The next point had been the final main reason for Even, the final nail in the coffin, figuratively. He had noted down ‘the boys wouldn’t have to see him as an abomination’ and it had ached, to admit to himself that to his best friends he would be a freak. He would no longer be like them. But if he didn’t exist, then they wouldn’t have to think like that.

The list had now been long gone, disappeared in some notebook in the middle of Even’s stuff from Bakka. It was a thing of the past now. And sometimes the thoughts came to visit him, but Even was able to wear them off. Because whenever his brain started conjuring up reasons why Isak, along with his parents, Sonja, and his friends, didn’t need him Even simply pulled up his green sketchbook and forced himself to breathe in and out, reading the list over and over again until the thoughts were gone.

At first, there had been the obvious things. Even had easily found a way to fill up the first 10 points. The way Isak laughed, at his friends jokes and later at Even himself. The way he struggled with his locker and mumbled adorably against it. How he never realized that Even was looking at him until their eyes suddenly met. Isak pretending he liked the same stuff Even did, just to impress him. How he agreed to whatever adventure Even had planned to them, without question (or with questions that Even skillfully avoided). The way Isak would be himself around Even, fighting the internalized homophobia that had been growing inside of him the past 17 years. The way Isak’s lips felt. The way he blushed whenever Even told him he was beautiful. Isak calling him the man of his dreams. The late nights they smoked weed together out on the windowsill of Even’s bedroom. How Isak looked while he was sleeping, safe and secure in the home they had created for themselves.

The longer the list became, the more small things got written down on there. The way Isak got really excited about Even’s hot chocolate recipe. How Isak asked Even to come with him to the hairdressers because he had this immense fear of ending up with a kiwihead. The way he pouts when he doesn’t get what he wants, and the dopey smile when he finally does. The way Isak looks while wearing a snapback. The way he gasps a little whenever Even gives him a gift, even the smallest thing.

Even had never numbered the list the way he did with the old one. He just made a little dot, and wrote something next to it. Sometimes he cheated, and he combined two reasons into one dot, just to throw himself off. Because he had obviously figured out by now that every page fit 16 dots, and that he had several pages by now calculating up to….

No, he couldn’t count them. He know he shouldn’t. He know it will build up this big reveal to the 100th reason why, and Even didn’t want that to happen. He didn’t want the 100th reason to consciously be something that was big. A grant gesture. Ideally, the 100th reason would be how Isak was very practical about always having a roll of toiletpaper next to their bed. But that reason had ended up somewhere in the first 50, Even knew.

“You know, I don’t get why they called it ‘The 100’ anyways. From the first episode there aren’t even 100 people on the ship anymore. Wouldn’t like… ‘The 99’ have been more impactful?” Isak said once when they were discussing some American tv show. Even had hardly been paying attention, the green notebook on his drawn up legs. He was wrapped up in a blanket, curtesy of Isak, and Even looked up above his own knees to raise an eyebrow.

“I just mean like… people always want nice and polished. They want 100 people on a spaceship. Not 99. Not 101. Haven’t they calculated that by taking one person more onto the ship their oxygen levels would go down by 1.52%?” Isak said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Even just smiled, nodded, and drew another dot. Isak’s ability to put science into tv-shows and movies.

To be fair, Even had previously mentioned Isak’s ability to always analyze movies too much, but there was a difference between analyzing and using complicated science talk that Even didn’t understand a thing of. After all, he failed his science class at Bakka which contributed to the whole ordeal of having to start over at Nissen. Another dot. How Isak never asks difficult questions about Bakka.

Even sighed, looking back over at Isak who was now just watching the show, and Even looked down at the notebook, putting it down on the coffeetable before he pulled Isak closer, wrapping the two of them in the blanket, causing Isak to laugh.

“Even I’m going to suffocate.” Isak complained, and Even just kissed the top of his head, reminding him he would have 1.52% less oxygen unless they saved oxygen by kissing. And so they kissed. And Even forgot about the world and the list and mainly the fact that it was wide open in their living room, unlike on the shelf with all his camera equipment.

And so when Isak was flipping through pages of it the next morning, Even froze a bit, although he wasn’t sure why. Certainly it wasn’t a secret how Even felt about Isak. And the drawings, Isak had already seen many of. And certainly, Isak’s face seemed to display him being in awe, lingering on each page for a while, until he moved on to the next one. And the one after that. And…

“Morning.” Even said hoarse, his mouth smelling like morning breath which didn’t stop Isak from leaning in for a kiss. As if it hadn’t been burning in his hands mere seconds ago, Isak carefully moved the notebook to the dresser next to their bed, and then turned to Even, who had mentally added two more dots onto his list. Isak’s newly stable sleeping schedule, which was a vast improvement to both their lives, and Isak’s tendency to never pass the chance of a kiss.

“Morning. How did you sleep?”

Even blinked a few times, just looking at Isak and he had almost forgotten he had been asked a question. “Good. But it’s better now that I’m awake.” Even said, and Isak smiled like a lovesick sap, his head falling onto the pillows again as he turned on his side so he could properly face Even.

“Can you make us scrambled eggs? I really dig those, you know…”

Even smiled and nodded, rubbing a hand through Isak’s messy morning hair. Another reason, Isak’s ability to look good with just about any haircut or –style, bedhead or cautiously constructed quaff when he was dressed as Danny from Grease on Halloween.

“Sure baby. Let’s just chill a bit first though. It’s Sunday.” Even explained.

Isak hummed, and moved in a bit closer, breathing in Even’s scent through his t-shirt’s fabric, and Even smiled pressing a kiss to the top of Isak’s head. Lazy Sunday afternoons, another reason why Even loved Isak.

It’s a few days later, their first kiss anniversary approaching when Even is drawing in his notebook. He’s working on the shading of an old drawing of Isak, trying to make it better even though Isak had already mentioned countless times that it looked amazing.

He had praised Even’s ability to conjure up something that looked so realistic, and he had encouraged his boyfriend to draw other people aside from himself, to which Even only chuckled. Another reason – Isak always trying to move to spotlight on to someone else.

“Baby, there is nobody that I can spend 3 hours staring at without getting bored of, besides you though.” Even explained, and Isak rolled his eyes fondly from where he is clearing off the table.

“Well then don’t.” Isak said, and with renewed vigor, Even turned a few pages to find a blank spot, immediately drawing some quick lines for a sketch that would never reach the level of the work he had been drawing earlier. But this was a spur of the moment. A surge of something inside Isak; He wanted to draw Isak’s face. In disbelief, that someone could spend that much effort on him, that someone could care about him, the way Even cared for him now and one year ago, when Even was first able to express it into actions, the way he felt about Isak.

Back then he hadn’t used words. He had found trouble getting the right syllables in the right order. And in the end it was easier to let his bravery do the talking and to express how he felt through actions, not words. Now, Even had too many words to express just how he felt. How much he loved Isak. Too many reasons to explain why being with Isak had been the best year of his life so far.

It was another few weeks later that Even turned a page and he went back to feel the paper he had just turned, cursing at himself causing Isak to appear in the doorway with a frown on his face, looking up and then back down at his phone, typing along while he asked Even “What’s up?”

“Eh…” Even hesitated, knowing exactly where the page with the list, pages, was to be found amongst drawings and little poems that all related to Isak. That were all him, or expressions about how Even felt about him. A bunch of pages containing a part of Even’s soul. Now, almost entirely occupied safe but the last two pages, who were still blank because a voice inside Even was struggling with his itching fingers that wanted to just draw an immortalize his feelings from this very moment.

Grant gestures are stupid. But how could he not?

Sighing, Even put his pencil to the paper and he started drawing the lines, his eyes going back and forth over the paper as Isak watched him, slowly as to not break his boyfriend’s concentration and he took out his phone, toggling away on it until he noticed Even had stopped, and was now looking at Isak with a content smile.

“What?”

Even turned down to look at his notebook, and then closed it, the pages filled all but one.

“Nothing. How about we go grab some coffee?”

Isak smiled, a bit reluctant to having to step outside in the cold Oslo weather but eventually he complied with the prospect of not having to share Even’s attention with others at KB.

“I’ve eh… You know I’ve had this thing for a long time,” Even started, and Isak looked up from his cup of coffee and his phone that was pinging with texts.

“Eh, yeah.” Isak replied, carefully putting the beverage down on the table. “You drag it around everywhere. It’s hard to miss.”

Even sighed and closed his eyes, a smile on his lips. “Same as I drag you around everywhere, too.” Even replied, and Isak smiled, recalling their days in Botanisk Hage last summer, or them staying at a cabin outside of Kolbotn during fall break because they could. Isak had been there all along, and so had Even’s chance to write down the best things about loving Isak;

“What’s with it?” Isak then asked, eyeing the green cover under Even’s protective hand. Especially in situations like these, where drinks could spill it was in danger of being lost to them either other way, Isak had noticed Even was extra cautious. He never really had it out in the open like this either. It simply draw Isak’s attention, knowing inside was essentially a worship of himself. But now Even had it there, and he was talking about it and…

And now he was flipping through it.

“I finished the all but last page. I… I could have made another drawing. But It wouldn’t have felt right. I drew this one, knowing it would be the last.” Even said, before turning the page to Isak. And Isak actually took it in his hands, carefully like it was some prized possession, as he stared back at some sort of reflection of himself, before he looked up at Even and smiled.

And that was exactly the smile Isak had just seen of himself, on paper, looking so lifelike it was almost a bit scary.

“That’s amazing Ev. We should go home now though.”

And okay what? Isak was up from his chair and putting on his coat and Even was confused. Thoroughly so. Last time he checked, Isak didn’t mind the drawings of himself. He knew Even made them, he even jokingly said “draw me like one of your French girls” when they were chilling last week on Sunday. So this, this Isak who was walking ahead of Even back towards their apartment, was confusing to Even to say the least.

“I know you always think practically. I know you think my infinite universe makes no sense because you think everything will come to an end, some day.” Isak said while standing in front of the door to their apartment. If anyone pointed out his nerves caused him to struggle with the lock a bit, he would deny it.

“And I know that you have purposefully not been counting because you think it might end too. You think you will stop finding reasons when you reach 100 and then we will be over.” Isak said, now finally walking through the door and turning around to face Even.

“Wait, you knew-“

“I did. And I only caught a glimpse of it. But I know there is 16 in a row, and there were 6 pages. So I know you’re close. And I know that’s why you didn’t want to fill the last page. Because you didn’t want to run out of room, because you didn’t want to stop writing your list.” Isak spoke.

That’s when he walked to his school backpack on the floor, and pulled out a beautiful new notebook, the spin still untouched and the pages still pristine.

“But now you won’t have to.” Isak smiled. He smiled, even though his features showed he was a bit insecure and he was trying to gauge Even’s reaction. So Even smiled back, not fighting the urge to kiss Isak and then wrap him up in his arms, praising him with all the adjectives he could think of in the moment, before sitting both of them down on the bed.

Even pulled out his notebook, the one that had been with them through their story, and Isak tilted his head as a challenge, to make Even go to list and then he started counting. 16, 17, only 15 on the next page. 16 again, 16 once more, and another 17 because he once again combined two reasons.

“97.” Isak said, watching as Even made another little dot.

“You think you can manage three more?” Isak asked, and Even raised his eyebrow, before he started writing.

Isak’s shy smile whenever he saw a drawing of himself

The way Isak’s hands fumble with keys when he’s nervous

Isak refusing to believe that their love was numbered in any way, and certainly not by 

A 100 reasons why Even loved Isak 

 


End file.
